Speaking Filipino/English-Japanese

Manok – Sekken
Mamaya – Sakana
Joke – Biru
Stereo – Akai
Cook – Giza-giza
Ayos – Furo oke
Fingernail – Koko
Laughed – Anata-wa
This – Itto
Small piece of cloth – Retasu
Cornfield – Mais-san
Hindi Masyado – Natsu
Cigarette – Yoshi
Ipagpaumanhin – Kamisori
Is this your property? – Arimoto?
Yes, this is my property.- Arikoto.
Is this yours? – Sayobato?
This is mine. – Sakinitu.
Can I have it? – Akinato?
You can have it. – Sayonato.
Can we have it? – Saminato?
You can have it. – Sanyonato
You’ve grown so thin! – Kitanabutomo!
We saw each other. – Kitakami.
We had a big get-together. – Kitakitakami.
That was my assumption. – Inakarako.
We will boycott the election. – Kaminoboto.
Are you a victim of discrimination? – Minamatakaba?
I give up. – Sukonako.
Ouch! – Haraiku!
What a sad life it is. – Hainaku.
Is this your car? – Otomoto?
Is this my car? – Otokoto?
Is this your noodles? – Mikimoto?
I’ll take this. – Kukuninkoto.
This is my desk. – Itodesko.
Speechless? – Wasabe?
An ampalaya (bittermelon) – Kurukurubot
What are your thoughts? – Kuru-kuromo?
I am thinking. – Munimuniko.
Are you playing the guitar? – Gigitaraka?
Is this your underwear? – Jakeemoto?
Are you annoyed already? – Iniskanabane?
You’re crazy!!! – Sirauromo!!!

Are you stupid or something?

Telesales agent getting the customer’s credit card info:
Agent: Can I have your expiration date, sir?
Customer: My what?!!
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Telesales agent giving promo spiels:
Agent: You called at the right time, ma’am. We have a lot of freebies to give away, such as free installation, free equipment, and free DVD player. That’s a great offer, di ba?
Customer: huh?!
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Agent verifying info from the customer:
Agent: Is that a P for Ping-Pong?
Customer: No, it’s B.
Agent: Oh, B, like Bing-Bong…
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Customer trying to return a defective product:
Customer: I need to return this defective sauna belt that you delivered yesterday.
Agent: For that concern, you can call our customer service at [link].
Customer: Call where??!!
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Agent answering a call:
Agent: Thank you for calling Dish Network Department, my name is Vince….. (sees that the number called by customer is for a different client– a DirecTV dealer).
Customer: So, I called the wrong number then?
Agent: Let me transfer you to DirecTV please dont go…. (puts the customer on hold, and then)… Thank you for calling DirecTV Department, my name is Vince…
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Agent wrapping up the sale:
Agent: Our INSTALLATORS will contact you within the next 24 hours to verify your installation schedules…
Customer: Uhm… say what, now. Who’s gonna call me?
Agent: The INSTALLATORS, sir.
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Agent getting coupon code from customer:
Agent: Can I ask for the coupon code? It’s a bunch of letters.
Customers: Like ABCs?
Agent: Yes.
Customer: Ok. ABCDEFG….
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Agent giving the customer service web address:
Agent: It’s P- as in Papa, I- as in India, C- as in costume, U- as in you, S- as in Sam, T- as in Tango, O…. Oscar…V- for Voy…
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Agent wrapping up the sale, trying to give the account info to customer:
Agent: I will now be giving you your account number and order confirmation number, do you have a PEN and BALLPEN with you?
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Agent trying to create urgency over the available promotion:
Agent: Are you sure you don’t want to take advantage of me?
Customer: Say, what?
————————————————————-
Agent trying to upsell a warranty:
Agent: Here’s an example: In California, a plane crashed into a customer’s house, their dish was replaced, no questions asked!
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Agent trying to upsell a TiVo to customer:
Agent: With a TiVo, you can do this and that, and you know, pretty much anything under the sun. Isn’t that a great offer?
Customer: What?
———————————————————–
Agent was asking the customer about the cost of his cable service:
Agent: How much are you paying with your current provider?
Customer: Well, I’m only paying $25.00 (–which is way cheaper than what the agent was offering)
Agent: (Surprised) Shet, magkano??!!
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Agent getting customer’s address:
Agent: Can I have your address, please?
Customer: It’s twenyfurfif-ysavan newyaorkgh road (2457 New York Road)
Agent: Can you repeat that ulit?
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Agent asking the customer to be put on hold:
Tech Agent: Sir, Can I hold you for just a minute?
Customer: Sure, baby, go ahead!

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Agent verifying correct spelling:
Agent: Is that a B as in boy, or a B as in Bravo?
Customer: …uhmmm… how about B as in Boy?
———————————————————–
Technical Agent giving customer support:
Agent: Is the ethernet cord connected?
Cust: Tha Hwhut??? (with Alabama accent)
Agent: Yung yellow cord kung nakakabit ba!
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Agent from a local phone company entertaining a Visayan customer:
Customer: hillo! wala kasi yung bell ng pon namin??
Agent: Hindi naman po ba nabagsak yung phone?
Customer: Hende naman.
Agent: Kailan pa po ito nagsimula?
Customer: Ang alen?
Agent: Na hindi po nagri-ring yung phone?
Customer: Nagre-reng naman ah?!
Agent: Di ba sabi mo walang ring?
Customer: Hende! yong BELL! yong lestahan nong babayaran namin!!
Agent: aahhh… yung BILL?!
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Technical Agent: To help you out with your concern, ma’am, let me just pull out my tool here, ok? (referring to a computer program used in call centers to address the customer’s concerns)
Customer: Pull out your what now?
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Tech Support: Okay, Bob, just type P on your keyboard?
Customer: What? Could you repeat that?
Tech Support: ” on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: No way. I’m not going to do that.
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Agent: Sir, that is C for Cubao, Q for Quiapo…..

Customer: What is that?! I dont understand. I don’t want to talk to you.
Agent: Who do you want to talk to?
Customer: I want to talk to the highest person.
Agent: My supervisor is not available as of the moment sir.
Customer: I said, I want to talk to the highest person.
Agent: Ok, you want to talk to the highest person?
Customer: Yes!
Agent: Do you want to talk to God?
Customer: what the f***! I’d rather talk to you.
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Irate Customer: F***k you!
Tech Support: Sir, we’re not allowed to say “F***k you!” here…
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Agent: It’s C as in CAT.
Customer: what?
Agent: C as in CAT. C-A-T as in meow meow…
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Agent: Thank you for calling us, this is Candy, how may I help you?

Customer: What did you say your name was… Mandy?
Agent: No, sir, it’s Candy.
Customer: Sorry, i can’t hear ya… didja say Mandy?
Agent: It’s Candy sir… Candy… as in Storck!
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Agent: Alright, let me verify that… Was that a “G” as in golf?
Customer (with a different accent): NO! That was a “G” as! in GEBRA! (z as in zebra)
Oh, Gebra! like the one in the Goo?!
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Agent: Yeah, sir….hello sir… are you there?
Customer: Yes, sorry. I’m still there.
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Agent: Ok, sir… do u have a PEN and a PENCIL ready?
Customer: What?!!
Agent: Oh, Im sorry, sir… i mean, do u have a PEN and a BALLPEN ready?
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Agent: I’d like to speak with Billy Thompson please?
Contact: He’s not in. Would you like to leave a message in his voicemail?
Agent: Sure, SIGE..
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Tech support: We’re going to perform a check disk to see if your hard drive has errors in it. Please type in C-H-K-D-S-K.
Customer: What is that again?
Tech Support: C-H-K-D-S-K… that is… C as in Charlie… H as in Harley… K as in Karly.. D as in Darley… S as in Sarley… and K as in Karly… got it?

Ang Galing ni Bebeng

Ang Galing ni Bebeng”

Registered nurse si Bebeng sa L.A.  Kasama niya ang kanyang ina na nagpagamot doon. Namatay ang ina nito.  Dahil sa kamahalan ng pamasahe pabalik sa Pilipinas, nagtipid si Bebeng.  Pinauwi na lang niya ang kabaong ng kanyang ina na mag-isa.  Pagdating ng kabaong, napansin ng mga kapamilya niya na nakadikit ang mukha ng ina sa salamin ng ataul. Nagkomento tuloy ang isang anak, “Ay, naku! Tingnan mo ‘yan… hindi sila marunong mag-ayos ng bangkay sa Amerika! Nakudrado tuloy ang mukha ng inay.”

Upang ayusin ang itsura ng bangkay, binuksan ang kabaong. Aba!  May sulat na-nakastaple sa dibdib ng ina. Kinuha nila ito at binasa.  Ang nilalaman ng liham na mula kay Bebeng:

Mahal kong tatay at mga kapatid:

Pasensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang nanay sa pag-uwi riyan sa Pilipinas dahil napakamahal ng pamasahe.  “Ang gastos ko pa lang sa kanya ay mahigit $10,000 na. Ayoko nang isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga.  Anyway, ipinadala ko kasama ni nanay ang mga sumusunod…

Nasa likod ni nanay ang dalawampu’t apat na karnenorte at isang dosenang spam. Ang adidas na suot ni nanay ay para kay tatay.  Ang limang pares ng de-goma ay nasa loob ng dalawang asul na Jansport na backpack na inuunan ni nanay.  Tig-iisa kayo.

Ang iba’t-ibang klase ng tsokolate at candy ay nasa puwetan ni nanay.  Para sa mga bata ito. Bahala na kayong magparte-parte. Sana’y hindi natunaw.  Ang pokemon stuffed toy na yapos-yapos ni nanay ay para sa bunso ni ate.  Gift Ko sa first birthday ng bata.  Ang itim na Esprit bag ay para kay Nene.

Ate, nasa loob ng bag ang pictures ni inay,  japanese version ng pokemon trading cards at stickers.  Suot ni nanay ang tatlong Ralph Lauren, apat na Gap at dalawang Old Navy t-shirts.  Ang isa ay para kay Kuya at tig-iisa ang mga pamangkin ko.  Maisusuot ninyo ang mga iyan sa fiesta.

Suot din ni inay ang anim na panty hose at tatlong warmer para sa mga dalaga kong pamangkin. Isuot nyo sa party.  May isang dosenang NBA caps sa may paanan ni nanay.  Para sa inyo, itay, kuya, dikong, Tiyo Romy. Bigyan nyo na rin ng tig-isa ‘yung mga pamangkin ko at  yong isa ay kay Pareng Tulume.

Ang tigdadalawang pares ng Nike wristband at knee caps na suot-suot din ni nanay ay para sa mga anak mo, diko, na nagbabasketball.   Tigdadalawang ream ng Marlboro lights at Winston red ang nasa pagitan ng mga hita ni nanay.

Apat na jar ng Skippy Peanut Butter, dalawang dishwashing liquid, isang Kiwi glass cleaner at tig-aanim na Colgate at Aqua Fresh ang nakasiksik sa kilikili ni nanay.  Hati-hati na kayo, huwag mag-aagawan.

Isang dosenang Wonder bra ( Victoria ’s Secret ata ang tatak) gustong-gusto ni Tiya Iskang society natin, suot-suot din ni nanay.  Alam kong inaasam-asam nyo ‘yan, tiya. Anim na lipstick lang ang kasya sa bra. Ang Rolex na bilin-bilin mo tatay, suot-suot ni nanay.  Nakatakip sa Nike na wristband.  Kunin mo agad, Itay.

May isinisik akong zip-loc sa bunganga ni Inay na naglalaman ng $759 dollars.  Hindi na ako nakatakbo sa ATM.  Puede na siguro sa libing iyon.

Iyong tong na makokolekta, i-time deposit niyo Kuya para pag namatay si Tatay may pambili na ng ataul. Ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas (na may nakakabit pang anim na nail cutters) nagustong-gusto mo, ditse, ay suot-suot din ni n anay.  Kunin mo na rin agad, ditse. Ibigay mo ang isang nailcutter kay Jay bakla sa kanto.

Tanggalin niyo ang bulak sa ilong ng inay, may isiniksik ako 3 diyamante sa bawat butas. Ibangon niyo lang si inay at tiyak na malalaglag na ang mga iyon.  Konting alog lang siguro ng ulo.

Marami pa sana akong ipaglalalagay kaya lang, baka mag-excess at si nanay pa ang maiwan.  Basta parte-parte kayo, tatay, kuya, ate, dikong, ditse.  Para sa inyo lahat ito. Bahala na kayo kay nanay.  Pamimisahan ko na lang siya rito.

Balitaan ninyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing.  Alam ni ate ang email ko.  Paki-double check ang lista kung walang nawala sa mga ipinadala ko.

Nagmamahal,
Bebeng

Chorva

Chorva has its etymology from the greek word CHEORVAMUS meaning ” for lack of the right word to say or in place of something
you want to express but you cannot verbalize”

amazing isn’t it??

naniwala ka naman.. Chorva lang yun!!!

Jokes that can be told in church

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” The child thought about this for a moment then said, “So why the groom wearing black?”

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!”

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.” The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.” The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “Honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, “Johnny, what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?” The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad.”

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.